My Year Writing

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." Maya Angelou

No fear……

Last week something hurt me. I mean it hurt me to my inner core. It brought up old wounds, issues, to the point where I was up a lot of the night. Still fresh from the wounds I took a long walk the next day to relax. When I got home from my walk I took a shower. A long, hot, shower, the kind where you allow yourself to stand underneath the cascading water and you can feel each drop massaging your head, you feel cared for. I then got out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror. I saw the hair, the lack of hair, my eyes, I studied myself. Then my eyes gazed to my chest and to what I call the zipper. It’s where they cut me open when I was a child, a year old, and repaired my broken heart.

On my walk I listened to a podcast by Elizabeth Gilbert. It was about BIG MAGIC and the guest of the day was Brene Brown. I’m paraphrasing here but they said something powerful, it was along the lines of ‘The worst thing that could happen to you probably already has.’

I had a moment, staring at the zipper on my chest, which has now shrunk and is covered with hair. I realized that no matter what anyone says to me, or what I say to myself, the worst has probably already happened. So, what is there to be afraid of? There are days that I think I’ve gone through the past 40 years full of fear and I wonder what for? I mean, really? What could be worse than having two holes in your heart and having surgery when you’re a year old? What in life could be worse than that? And, you know what? I fucking made it. That is an actual tangible thing, fear is not. The heart surgery happened but the fear is just my imagination, my demons.

I tell you this because I’m going to choose to no longer live in fear. I’m going to choose to not be hurt by things that I cannot control. If the worst has already happened then it means the best is still yet to come!


The car on the opposite side of the road stopped. It was a jeep, or maybe a caravan, the hours that have passed have made the vehicle unmemorable. There was a canoe/kayak on top, it was red. A man, in his sixties, with a pony tail, started to get out of the car. “There are cars behind you.” My friend, who was driving, said. 

“I don’t care.” He whispered, stern but gentle. He kissed her. He returned to his car and drove away. I, confused by the fifteen second interaction, waited for the director to say ‘cut.’ We must be in a movie? 

“That was the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen.” I said to my friend. My friend laughed. “A guy just stopped in the middle of the fucking road, got out of his car and kissed you and then left.” I looked out the window again, still no movie cameras. 

I looked down at my phone and swiped to my OkCupid App. “My OkCupid app says that there are no matches for me, and you have a fucking guy stopping in the middle of the road to kiss you?” I repeated again, my friend laughed again. I’m good at taking my disappointment about my lack of relationships and turning into humor. It’s what I do. Of course I do know that it’s really all on me. I don’t blame my problems on other people. The truth is that I don’t have that many problems. I have a job. I can eat pretty much whenever/whatever I want, which is why I have a weight problem. I digress. 

I’m thinking about these things a few hours later as I’m pacing my friends dock, trying to get my steps in on my Fitbit. My two other friends are on the pontoon boat attached to the dock, they are making up songs but trying to sing in unison. If people saw the wackiness of a forty something year old man pacing a dock to his pedometer would reach 10k steps and two woman singing gibberish on the boat I wonder what they would think. It’s like a scene out of The Cuckoo’s Nest. 

A friend, co-worker, mentor last week told me a mantra that I’ve been repeating to myself, ‘I’m too blessed to be stressed.’ It’s a funny line but if you say it over and over again, which I have for the past week, you realize that it’s true. From the romantic moment in the car, to reaching my 10k steps, to the final boat ride of the night I realize how blessed I am. 

I’m still keeping an eye out for those movie cameras… 


Haiku 180

She is courageous.

She brings awareness to all.

Caitlyn Jenner, thanks. 

Haiku 179


Finding the time to do it,

And not wasting it.  

Haiku 178

My legs and back hurt.

Help me please chiropractor.

Yes, Tempurpedic.

Haiku 177

Stand up comedy, 

how do I write the good jokes?

Not write the mean ones?

Haiku 176

Why do I eat you? 

Maple glazed butter pecan blondie,

I will regret you.

Haiku 175

Should I cut my hair? 

Yum, macaroni and cheese.

My stomach hurts now.

Haiku 174

Did she try a kiss?

 Why don’t I let it happen?

Listen to your heart.

Haiku 173

Is this working now?

I’m creating connections.

Trying to love all.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 130 other followers