Last week something hurt me. I mean it hurt me to my inner core. It brought up old wounds, issues, to the point where I was up a lot of the night. Still fresh from the wounds I took a long walk the next day to relax. When I got home from my walk I took a shower. A long, hot, shower, the kind where you allow yourself to stand underneath the cascading water and you can feel each drop massaging your head, you feel cared for. I then got out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror. I saw the hair, the lack of hair, my eyes, I studied myself. Then my eyes gazed to my chest and to what I call the zipper. It’s where they cut me open when I was a child, a year old, and repaired my broken heart.
On my walk I listened to a podcast by Elizabeth Gilbert. It was about BIG MAGIC and the guest of the day was Brene Brown. I’m paraphrasing here but they said something powerful, it was along the lines of ‘The worst thing that could happen to you probably already has.’
I had a moment, staring at the zipper on my chest, which has now shrunk and is covered with hair. I realized that no matter what anyone says to me, or what I say to myself, the worst has probably already happened. So, what is there to be afraid of? There are days that I think I’ve gone through the past 40 years full of fear and I wonder what for? I mean, really? What could be worse than having two holes in your heart and having surgery when you’re a year old? What in life could be worse than that? And, you know what? I fucking made it. That is an actual tangible thing, fear is not. The heart surgery happened but the fear is just my imagination, my demons.
I tell you this because I’m going to choose to no longer live in fear. I’m going to choose to not be hurt by things that I cannot control. If the worst has already happened then it means the best is still yet to come!